“I guess I should have stayed in bed, my pillow wrapped around my head. Instead of waking up to find a nightmare of a different kind.” – The Monkees, This Just Doesn’t Seem To Be My Day
I have so many thoughts swirling, Angels. My head is filled with these tornadoes. I can’t stop thinking about what could have been, the disappointments, coming face to face with the one person who helped shape me by breaking my heart at age 12. This all happened yesterday, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wanted to work on Kenshin to get my mind off of it all…. but Rogue decided he wasn’t in the mood to work. It fucking upset me, to be honest. I was really excited, and it seemed like he was doing everything to avoid this. So needless to say, he and I haven’t talked much today.
So this leaves me to face the thoughts of the man, whom I’ll call Brainiac the Marine. After not talking to him since the breakup (at least 8 years ago), we exchanged emails back and forth. Turns out, he and I have become two totally different people… though some things never change. He looks the same, except he has no hair now. Boot camp took care of that. He’s not as much of a snob, or so I thought. It made me realize why it wouldn’t have worked out. We talked about it all, and it just reaffirmed that yes… we were young and stupid.
“I’m gonna pack up all the pain. I’m gonna keep it in my heart. I’m gonna catch me the fastest train. I’m gonna make me a brand new start.” – The Monkees, Tomorrow’s Going To Be Another Day
And boy… did I. I decided life was full of disappointments from others. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint myself. So I became the person I wanted to be. No compromises. No restraint. I did what I wanted. I reached the creative zenith I longed for. I had the best muses, and I became one for some. The men in my life were all creative geniuses who did what they wanted and loved what they did. I fed off of that. It was a blissful time.
“I had no more than I did before, but now I’ve got all that I need. For I love you, and I know you love me.” – The Monkees, Papa Gene’s Blues
I finally thought I was over him. I thought he was just a memory. A ghost who never haunted me. Then, I sent him a facebook message. I doubt he’d even remember me, let alone respond. But he did. And told me to email him. So I did. We just talked about things. Where we were, the usual “catch up” stuff. We talked about everything… except our past. We found out that we were different people since Jr. High school. He was more open, and not as reserved. As for me… well, I’m a totally different person.
“Believing in the promise painted in your smile, I’ve chased what I was running from along the while. I’ve known you a hundred times, in memories I recall. Still, I don’t think you know me at all.” – The Monkees, I Don’t Think You Know Me At All
I saw him two days ago for the first time in over 5 years. I remembered how attractive he used to be (and how he still had the same smile and eyes). I saw him in a new light. He was a new Brainiac. He thought the same of me, I’m sure. It wasn’t until last night… That’s when we addressed the elephant in the car. I won’t go into it here. Let’s just say, we might have done things differently if we had known better.
The past can not be changed. Still, we all wonder about second chances. Would I date him again? (If I wasn’t with Rogue, that is.) Well… it would be hard to date a Marine stationed in Japan (and yes, I’m jealous). I don’t know if I could. Maybe. But I can’t. So it’s best not to think about it.
Welcome to my mind, Angels. Emergency exits are for cowards.
Loves and kisses,
Hoshi
